When I sat down at my computer today I had no intention of writing anything. For a couple of weeks now I've been hating life and really not caring about much of anything. Of course there were moments, here and there, when I had some form of normalcy but they were few and far between. When I got up today nothing was any different...my life has not changed from yesterday...or the day before...or the day before...or.......
Then it finally hit me. I can't change anything, only GOD can. Of course I didn't come to this conclusion until late afternoon...when one more day was almost gone. One thing that really affected me was some of the testimonies I heard at church today. God had done so many things for people. One lady will be reunited with her sons after years of not seeing them. These kinds of stories make you think about how well GOD really takes care of us and how much HE loves us. In the long run nothing else really matters. It's amazing how sometimes we let circumstances that are beyond our control...control us. It's also amazing how as soon as I decided to just give it up and let GOD have control of my situations I immediately felt better. The feeling of hopelessness was gone as well as the feeling of, what I will call, rebellion that had started to move in.
In past posts I told how GOD had me change my focus to be about growth, and since then, what a hard time I have had with it. I have found that I don't react the way I should to at least 50% of things that happen. I am faced with the reality today that GOD is teaching me to let go and give HIM control of my life. I am also faced with the fact that I don't always like it much. What I don't like more is the feeling of separation I get when I let things build up to the point of feeling hopeless and that I don't care anymore. We need to be really careful how we let the circumstances of our lives affect our relationship with GOD. HE is the one constant in our lives that we can always count and rely on. I remember what it was like to not have GOD in my life...I don't like it when I start to feel that way again.
I like Psalm 139. It tells what GOD knows about us and how we can't escape from GOD. The last two verses are asking GOD to search our heart, our thoughts, and if there's anything there that shouldn't be, to let us know so we can make it right. We probably won't always like what HE tells us.
Psalm 139: 1-10 and 23-24
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.