It's funny, but the only two times I got an A+ on anything I wrote, was on two papers in my senior English class. The first subject was...What would you do if you knew this were your last day on earth and you couldn't tell anyone. I actually found the papers a couple of years ago in an old book. Thinking back, I remembered writing that paper and even what my thoughts were about it. If you have been reading this blog from the beginning you can probably guess what I would have done. Yes...you're right. This is the story in a nutshell. What I wrote was...I would have acted as if it were just a normal day and treated my family as I always had. No hugs good-bye, no kisses, no sentiment or feeling of any type. Then I would have went and picked up my friend and we would have smoked dope all day and had a good time until it ended.
The second subject was...Pick something you know about and tell what it would be like to be that object. Well, of course I picked a joint. I said my name was MaryJane, which was another name for marijuana. I went on to explain how I was grown, picked, dried and sold. Then I went into great detail on how I was rolled into papers and smoked. The great feelings I gave everyone who passed me around and how good I felt making them all feel good. How much everyone needed me and how I made them feel good about themselves. I ended it with how everyone would keep the last small piece of me so that when they didn't have enough money to buy more they could use what was left of me again. That small piece was called a roach. A disgusting name for a really disgusting addiction. Of course, I didn't write that in the paper.
I remember when I wrote the first paper that I wanted it to be different. If that really were to happen I wanted to be able to tell my family I loved them and feel it. Not go out and get high and die with my friends. I just wanted to feel something and that was the only way I knew of to do that. The second story just shows more of my willingness to believe the devils lies. Drugs made me feel good. That was the only way I knew to get that feeling. It's a feeling that all of us crave. To feel good and to feel loved. Satan had been lying to me for years and would lie to me for many more. The sad part is...I believed him. He had a death grip on my life.
About 5 years ago I decided to make a change in my life. I moved away from the town I had always lived in and my family. I left everything I knew to come to a place I had visited for 3 days. Everyone thought I left so I could find a good job...because that's what I told them. The real reason was...I thought if I went to a town where no one knew me that God might decide to give me a chance. He might feel sorry for me, so to speak, and let me find Him. I think now that it was all His plan, not mine. He has a plan for our lives and sometimes He has to get us away from everything we are comfortable with to bring it to pass. That's how I see it. There is a scripture that I have used in my blog before.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to give you hope and a future."
Before I moved I had no hope in my life. But...little by little, I noticed that was changing. Even though I came here for the specific purpose of finding God, I still couldn't accept that He wanted me. Sometimes I would cry out to God and ask Him why He didn't want me? Then I would get so depressed over the fact that nothing was different I started drinking again. That did not help. I didn't realize it at the time but now I know...there was a battle going on for my soul. Satan did not want to let me go. But what I didn't know, was that God wasn't going to let me go either. It was a long time coming but...3 years after I moved here I became a Christian.
I think the purpose of this post is to tell you to not give up. If you haven't found God yet...He's not hiding. He's waiting for you to ask Him for help. Just talk to Him. Tell Him what you need. If you have questions, talk to someone you know is a good Christian. If you don't know anyone like that find a good church. Ask God to lead you to the right one where they can help you. He will help you find the help you need.
I won't lie to you. There are still days that to tell someone I love them is really hard. Even when I feel it and want to. I always hope they will say it first because then it is so much easier. It took a long time but I know that God loves me. He loves you too. If you have any doubt of that remember...He was nailed to a wooden cross, for you. Give Him a chance to show you how much He loves you. He's waiting for you!
Find a bible and read Luke 23