For a couple of days now I have had a feeling inside that I just can't get rid of. I haven't been able to figure out what it is. I sit down to write something and different things come to mind but no thoughts form to write them. The one thing I keep thinking of is the struggle we all have between good and bad. It goes on for all of us. The flesh side of us wants to do one thing while the spiritual side of us wants to do something else. The classic "Good versus Evil". I just haven't been able to form the thoughts to write it. It's like the words are right there, on the edge of my thoughts, but I just can't quite grasp them. It is the "Fight" going on within me. The struggle, if you will, between God wanting me to write and satan not wanting me to write. I have the final choice. Whom do I let win? I struggle because sometimes it's hard for me to put in writing the sins of my past. There is always that worry of what people will think of you. And then there's the problem of deciding which event of my past that I'm supposed to use. There are many and none of them are very good. So...I just have to remember that it is my past, some distant and some that is fairly recent. God has forgiven me. He has told me to write these posts. I do it for Him and not for myself.
If you want to live you have to die. Die to Self. Sometimes that can be pretty dangerous...and terrifying! But it's worth it. Why? Because I know that "urgency" I feel is God. Without Him there is a good chance that I wouldn't be here today to have the opportunity to "decide" who I was going to let win this struggle inside myself. I believe the reason I am here to write this today is because God has a purpose for my life. There are people that will read this that either have had or are having the same issues in life that I have had. For that reason alone, God has spared my life so I can tell them what He has done for me and that He will do the same for them if they will let Him. Because of God I have eternal life and anyone that is reading this can have it too. It's always your choice.
So now I'm just going to go for broke so to speak. God told me before I ever started blogging that when I told my story I would have to tell it all. That didn't make me very happy. You see some things you just don't want everyone to know. I'm sure there are things in your past you would rather forget and somethings that you certainly wouldn't want to share. I started out with a post about pain. That the reason for "your pain" is so you have a testimony. That's true. God does allow pain for that reason. But not only does God allow it, you bring on some of your pain yourself. Then God uses it to help other people so maybe, if they pay attention, they don't have to go through some of the pain. You can always learn by others mistakes or sins, if you will. In other words, "They can learn from your pain". Your pain doesn't need to be wasted! I pray right now that whomever it is that is reading this listens and learns. Here's another chapter of my story:
There have been a few times in my life when the "word" suicide went through my brain. Back when I was younger I thought for some reason that my life was pretty useless. I couldn't think of much reason to live. But...I only thought the word. I really didn't entertain the thought for more than a second or two at a time.
It was usually just crazy, stupid reasons. Mainly it was just the thought that I really had nothing to live for. I didn't even know why I thought that. I know now it was just satan and the lies that he likes to fill your head with. He will do anything to take you out that he can. His goal is to get you to die, without Jesus, so you will spend eternity with him and his demons in HELL. Make no mistake about it. You will go to Hell if you don't have Jesus in your heart. Suicide, in my opinion, will get you there real quick.
I have to stop right now and tell you that the whole time I have been writing this that I have had nothing but turmoil going on inside of me. I could hardly think or type. It has been really hard deciding if I should write this or not. So after I typed the words, Here's another chapter to my story, I prayed that God would give me peace if I was supposed to go on with this. I have to tell you as soon as I started the next paragraph the turmoil inside has stopped and the words are flowing. So I know I'm doing the right thing. Thank You Jesus for the confirmation!! But...it's still hard to share these things.
So...fast forward to August 10,2007. I became a Christian on that day. I thought I had been battling before then, but let me tell you that the battle really began in full force after I accepted Christ. I thought that things would be easier. I was told I would have problems and that satan would attack me. I believed the people that told me that but I never dreamed it could be so bad. The thing I need to tell you is that once you become a Christian satan will fight even harder for you. He had you before so he didn't need to bother you as much. For me he kept bringing to my mind that my life was worth nothing. That I hadn't really changed. And...I would believe him. I was a mess a lot of the time. Some days were great. I would read my bible and pray and things couldn't be better. But other days were really bad. I would start listening to satan and believing his lies. Then that word came up in my thoughts again. Suicide. I have no idea why. I would be driving down the road and I would just have weird thoughts, like...Just drive into that tree. Or when I would drive over the freeway I would think...Just step on it and drive through the guard rail. When these thoughts came to my mind I would get scared. I would wonder why I was thinking these things. Wasn't life supposed to be good now? After all...I'm a Christian now. This stuff shouldn't be happening. So because of this I wanted to drink. You might say that drinking isn't a bad thing. Well, it's not always a good thing either. For me I knew it wasn't good. I would call a friend and talk with them. They would talk to me about God and pray with me. This went on for quite sometime. There were many times when I was sure I wasn't going to make it. But...God is faithful. I listened to what my friends told me. I talked to them alot. I prayed, read my bible and went to church. Even though there were many times when I didn't want to. And, I have to say that sometimes I didn't. Satan would win by my choice. I didn't want to because of that war that was going on inside of me. Good versus Evil. GOD versus Satan. The thing is, you can't listen to satan. He will snuff you out faster than anything if he can. He is waiting for you like a roaring lion. Waiting to devour you. If he can get you to drive into that tree, drive through a guardrail, take a handful of pills, put a gun to your head, slit your wrists or any other way you can think of to kill yourself...he will! Make no mistake about it...He hates you. Remember, his goal is to have you in hell with him.
It all finally stopped when I made the choice to really live for God. Not when my friends made it for me. Not when I halfway did things. I had to fully decide that I would commit myself wholly to God. Not just when I wanted too. I had to make the switch from making excuses, to actually living out, to the best of my ability, being what God wants me to be.
If you are thinking of sucide, even in the slightest way, Don't! No matter how bad you think your life is now, try imagining burning for eternity. It's not worth it. Talk to God. Ask Him for help. Then find someone that is a Christian, that you can trust, to talk to. If you don't know anyone like that call a church. They will help you. God is so much better. I'm not going to tell you that following God is always easy because it's not. I have had numerous struggles with it. But...If you will totally surrender to Him it is so much easier. I would not trade my relationship with the Lord for anything in the world. Nothing can replace Him and no one can do what He has done for me. I know that my life has purpose now. I don't always know what it is, but I know that He will tell me if I ask.
Without God your life is pretty much useless. Ask Jesus to come into your life and He will give you a purpose for living. IT'S LIKE AN ADVENTURE. You never know what He is going to ask you to do. One of the best parts about it is, He will give you the courage to do it. Before I would have never told anyone these things. Whether it would have been through writing them or verbally telling them. Wouldn't have happened. Don't get me wrong. It still scares me. Like I said before, it's terrifying at times. On my blog I call myself a "reformed rebel". I am. I once was a rebel for satan but now I am a rebel for Jesus. I will work against satan every chance I get because that is what I am called to do. If you haven't already done so you need to take up the call. Don't be ashamed.
Jesus said, "If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when He comes in His Father's glory with the holy angels." Mark 8:38
2 Tim 1:8-10 So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord, or ashamed of me his prisoner. But join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God, who has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.
Rom 1:16 I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile.
St. Matthew 10.33
But he that shall deny me before men, I will also deny him before my Father who is in heaven.
Be sober, be vigilent; because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.